As I had wrote before, I asked Duke University if they would check Elisha's chromosomes to see if there was anything else wrong with him. Especially since he also had a 3-chamber heart and a cleft palate. She called me this afternoon, and I was so nervous I could feel my heart in my throat. She said the results came back with NO chromosomal problems. He is a normal 46XY boy. I know I should be so happy with these results, and I am..but I am still so worried. She explained that Enrique and I should be ok to have healthy children. That Alexis with Triploidy and Elisha with Anencephaly, heart defect, and cleft palate was just us getting hit by lightening twice. That was actually her words. She is a genetisist and I do trust her. But my GOD. How could this just happen to me twice with NO explanation. I took all my pills, I don't do drugs, I don't drink, and for the life of my I cannot carry a healthy child. I WON'T say I can't, because I can, I know and feel I can. It is just not my time, God has plans for me I KNOW it. I know He is working through me, He is using me and for that I am honored. But I must say it is so hard, words cannot explain. I thank God everyday for the peace He has given me, because I know without that I would be a mess. So many say I am so strong, but I cry when no one is around. I can't feel his kicks in my belly anymore, I feel empty...a big emptiness. I don't feel alone, just empty. I have so much wonderul support from my family and friends, alot of these friends I only know fom online, women I have never even met are pouring out to me, and praying and supporting my family. Having support like that it is hard not to be strong. When people ask me how I am doing, what can I say...I just say ok. Is that wrong.?. People don't really want to hear how I feel. It hurts! I know my children are perfect and whole in Heaven right now, they feel no sadness, no sickness...but I want them imperfect here with me. I just have to wait...I know I will see them again...and our time here is so so so short compared to eternity in heaven, but I miss them dearly. I am glad Elisha and Alexis have each other, I feel that Alexis was waiting for him when he got there. My next pregnancy I am going to be a WRECK...the whole time. God help me.
God, this is so difficult to understand all of this...but I trust You.