As I had wrote before, I asked Duke University if they would check Elisha's chromosomes to see if there was anything else wrong with him. Especially since he also had a 3-chamber heart and a cleft palate. She called me this afternoon, and I was so nervous I could feel my heart in my throat. She said the results came back with NO chromosomal problems. He is a normal 46XY boy. I know I should be so happy with these results, and I am..but I am still so worried. She explained that Enrique and I should be ok to have healthy children. That Alexis with Triploidy and Elisha with Anencephaly, heart defect, and cleft palate was just us getting hit by lightening twice. That was actually her words. She is a genetisist and I do trust her. But my GOD. How could this just happen to me twice with NO explanation. I took all my pills, I don't do drugs, I don't drink, and for the life of my I cannot carry a healthy child. I WON'T say I can't, because I can, I know and feel I can. It is just not my time, God has plans for me I KNOW it. I know He is working through me, He is using me and for that I am honored. But I must say it is so hard, words cannot explain. I thank God everyday for the peace He has given me, because I know without that I would be a mess. So many say I am so strong, but I cry when no one is around. I can't feel his kicks in my belly anymore, I feel empty...a big emptiness. I don't feel alone, just empty. I have so much wonderul support from my family and friends, alot of these friends I only know fom online, women I have never even met are pouring out to me, and praying and supporting my family. Having support like that it is hard not to be strong. When people ask me how I am doing, what can I say...I just say ok. Is that wrong.?. People don't really want to hear how I feel. It hurts! I know my children are perfect and whole in Heaven right now, they feel no sadness, no sickness...but I want them imperfect here with me. I just have to wait...I know I will see them again...and our time here is so so so short compared to eternity in heaven, but I miss them dearly. I am glad Elisha and Alexis have each other, I feel that Alexis was waiting for him when he got there. My next pregnancy I am going to be a WRECK...the whole time. God help me.
God, this is so difficult to understand all of this...but I trust You.
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I am very happy to hear your good news! And yes, although you feel happy about the news you just received, it is quite normal to feel a bit worried still. Grief is not something that words will fix, it is something that will never go away, but it does get better in time. It's been 6 years ago Christmas day since I lost my Daddy (I know it's not the same as losing a child) but my grief never gets any better. I deal with it better, but it hurts the same to this day as it did the day he passed. I cannot imagine having to prepare for your child's death while you are still carrying him, but I do known how it feels to grieve. And just know, I am hear for you and would LOVE for you to tell me how you are feeling. Sometimes talking to someone who understands helps you feel lighter inside. This perhaps isn't something for you to understand, but to embrace and cherish and trust that God has a wonderful plan for you. There is never a good enough answer for why this happened to you and continues to happen to others, only logical reason is that it is His will, and His will shall be done. You have done a great job with what He has entrusted you with thus far, and rewards are on the horizon. Continue to be strong and to rely on the support of people around you. Trust in Him and you can never go wrong. Hang in there!
ReplyDelete~Anita~
Hi Shelley,
ReplyDeleteJust know that you are strong even if you cry. When we ask how you are doing, it's okay to say I'm having a crappy time with this. That doesn't make you any less faithful or strong...just honest. I'm here if you ever need to chat...we'll continue to pray always.
RachelY (WTE)
i've been reading your blog, but never responded as i never talked to you on wte just heard about your story that way and only really "know" you from this blog...and i have aspergers, so forgive me i will probably say something stupid, i am so hard with personal thigns, which is why i havent said antyhing...i just omg i cant imagine your pain, the reason i mentioned my autism is that i have a hard time feeling for ppl i know and omg honey i am crying as i am typing...i just i would love to hug you, or fix that gorgious baby of yours, i dont know the story of your daughter, but i cant even imagine losing one baby, much less 2!! i have a 2 year old son and a 4 month old baby girl, and as much as i loved them before i have to say i do hug them a little longer now, omg i hope that doesnt make you sad, i just want you to know that you will have a baby i know it, i cant believe that god wouldnt bless you with that baby to put in that crib, you and your hubby are such a cute family, you look like one of the sweetest ppl ever, with that smile, and your words, your faith in god is just amazing to me. you have every reason in the world to be so angry and so just mad and down and even through all this you are just faithful and still so sweet and not bitter. you are truely amazing to me, you are the best mommy, you brought that sweet little angel into the world when many may not. i am truely in awe of you, i have to say i dont think i could ever be that strong, and deffinatly not so faithful. i wish there was something i could say to make you feel so much better or to fix this, i cant, just know you are truely amazing!!! i'll continue to pray for you!!
ReplyDeletejennifer (wte 9-08)
That is wonderful new Shelly. You are right God has a plan for you. You are one amazing woman. You have given me hope again in these trying times. I am seeing the Lord work through you and it restores my Faith in the world we live in. You and your beautiful Angels have touched so many. Thank You for sharing that with us. God Bless!
ReplyDelete~Scarlet~
I am glad to hear about your good news from Duke. God's arms are wrapped around you. I can feel it in your words and your amazing sense of peace and strength. You and your Angels have touch my heart and my heart goes out to you and your family. Bless you all.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless you and your family!!! I will pray for you all!!! From one mother to another... you are an inspiration!!!! You children on an inspiration!!! You show people how important it is to be appreciative everyday of the blessings that God gives us!!! Thank you for sharing your story with us all. God Bless you sweetie and may those angels in sky watch over you!!!
ReplyDeleteThat is great! I knew it. It will happen for you! Soon! Just be patient! Just keep saying "Good things are coming my way!" Don't stop believing!
ReplyDeleteChristine Iannotti
Hi Sweetie,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Ivette. I am from the May Boards in WTE but I go quite a lot to the January Boards since I have many friends there. Today I saw the post of your baby and now I am here. I can't tell you how much you and your babies has touched my heart and soul. And yes I am crying but at the same time as a christian and a person that had many m/c I can realte to you Not as having to delivered my baby asa full term but still i understand and at that times just as you the only thing that hold me was the love of God knowing that i will see my babies again, the love of my Husband, family and friends. I think that If I didn't have that assurance, promise that I will see them again i would have died of grief. I as well as you said that i was okay around ppl but when I was alone cried my heart out. I asked God to help me grieve, to console me, streghten me, hold me and not to leave me because i needed him and He did and healed my broken heart.Now I am pregnant again, but I decided to trust God and not think about the past losses. I just looked forward and trusted him and not let the enemy put bad thoughts in my mind and here I am.
May God continue Strengthen you, Your husband and family and friends and look forward for that they when we'll be reunited with your babies and loved ones in that sweet day and be with the Lord for ever!!
Shelley & Enrique,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say hello and let you know we are still thinking and praying for you. We are also relieved by the results.
Dear Ones;
ReplyDeletePlease, always keep your faith in Jesus Christ and God. Your words are truly uplifting and sincere. May you always be Blessed by God. I am so proud of the two of you! Much Love to you both.