The day after Elisha's birth

I honestly did not sleep at all that night, I rocked Elisha and just stared at him. I started to get really bad pains in my stomach too and got some pain medicine throughout the night. I finally laid in the bed around 5:30am and the phone rang at 7:30am and it was Anita, my step-son Kalebs mom. He decided that he did want to see his brother Elisha. We left it up to him if he wanted to see him. We did not want to make Kaleb see his brother if he did not want to, nor did we not want to see him if he wanted to. So I got up right away and got Enrique up, I wanted to bathe him and dress him before he came. I bathed every lil piece of him, put his first and only pamper on him and dressed him. His little body had already started to harden a bit. Kalebs mom had explained to him that he had already passed and was with Jesus. He came in the room and started asking all the questions a 6 year old would and that was fine. I called Gabriel, a pastor for our church and asked him to come to do Elisha's dedication as I knew Elisha would start to change fast. He was actually on his way to work, but called and was able to come to the hospital right then to dedicate him. Enrique called everyone to come as quick as they could. His dedication was wonderful, Gabriel did a wonderful job and it meant alot to us to dedicate our son to the Lord. We had Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come to take pictures of Elisha with friends and family. The photographer had also came for the delivery of our son, which I thought would be awkward but it was not at all. Tony, our photographer was SUCH a wonderful man. He took all the pictures we wanted of our son. If you would like to know more about the organization please go to NILMDTS.org . We had people come in and out all day long to meet Elisha. Even our pastor, Pastor Cindy popped in which meant SO SO much to us. She spent time with us, fellowshiped with us, shared in our joy and our sadness, and ministered to us. She has angels also in heaven, and we can relate to each other. We were then alone again with our son. I knew I could not keep him forever. I told the nurse to go ahead and call the funeral home and tell them to come at 5pm to get Elisha. It was 4pm... I had an hour left with him. I wanted to keep all the clothes I had him in so I undressed him and took off his tiny pamper. I was in shock that his body was limber and warm, but that morning it had started to harden already...I was SO happy. I undressed him and took off his hat. I looked at very inch of his body again, I picked him up and held him I squeezed ever lil piece of him as I held him, his skin was so soft and tender. I squeezed his tiny tooshy. I was so amazed how warm and limber he was. His Daddy held him one more time, the wonderful nurse Jolynn came in with a warm blanky and told me the funeral director was there. We wrapped him up gave him 100 more kisses and said our final goodbyes. Goodbye is the hardest part, knowing that is the last time I see my son until we are reunited. i cried and cried and cried, Enrique held me tight. We quickly packed our stuff and I needed to leave right away. I couldnt be there any longer without my son. I cried the way home, I cried when I got home, I cried in the night, and I am crying right now. I miss him like like I can never explain. It is easy to be strong when you are surrounded my loving family and friends, but when you are alone is when the pain overcomes you. I am home but my body is empty and so his his crib. My baby my son is gone. It is all over, what I have waited 9 months for is over. My daughter and my son are in Heaven together and are PERFECT. It is hard to believe that I have went through this twice. Delivered two wonderful angels that I have not been able to take home with me. I thank God for the peace He has given me in my life. I have every right to be angry and mad, but I am not. My son, like Alexis has changed many lives including my own. His short time here on Earth made an impact on so many and I am so very proud of my son for that. I know that he knows the love Enrique and I had for him, there is no question about that. I have no regrets and know in my heart that I gave him every chance at life he could have. His time here was short now he is in Heaven living in a glorious eternity that I will one day be able to enjoy with him and my other children and family. He is blessed to be able to be there before us. He feels no pain where he is.

I woke up in the night crying hysterically, I don't know how, but I did...Enrique quickly woke up and started rubbing me and held my tightly and told me it was ok. I slowly stopped crying and went back to sleep. I dont know if I will do that every night. I cant stop thinking about him. Every second I am thinking about him. I know the pain will get easier, like it did with Alexis. My heart aches. I woke up this morning and my body feels like it got it with a Mac truck. I am in pain from head to toe. I had stepped on the scale before we left for the hospital, when I get on the scale now I am only ONE POUND lighter. But I did not eat for two days while I was in the hospital, I had a 5lb baby, a huge placenta, and when my water broke I know that was about 5 pounds...how that adds up to one pound I dunno. HA! I pray it is some kinda water that is gonna find its way out in the next few days. HEHE