Happy Birthday Son

Dear Sweet Son,

My baby boy, you were born 1 year ago today...right now you were still kicking around in my belly. I guess you have two birthdays today, you have an earthly birthday and a heavenly birthday. How lucky are you! Me and your Daddy miss you so much. I fell in love with you the moment I found out about you, and my love just grows stronger everyday. You mean so much to so many people, I am such a proud mother. You gave me a great joy, and you changed me. I know you and your sister are having a grand ole time up there...I am sure she is taking care of you. You have another brother and sister now, their names are Gavin and Paige. I see some of you in them, and it makes me oh so happy. Gosh I miss you so much, I think often about what milestones you would be making, you'd be starting to walk right now...and saying mommy Im sure..hehe. I dont get much sleep anymore witht he twins here...maybe you can have a talk with God for me and see if he can help them sleep better at night...*wink wink* ! There is not a day that goes by that I dont think about you. I remember everything about you, I can still feel how your naked lil body felt on my chest...how you held me close before I said goodbye. I am going to be sending up some balloons for you today, make sure that you are looking out for them. Elisha honey I wish you a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY, you will never be forgotten and you are loved by us all...and very soon we will be together again. Hugs and kisses baby boy....MOMMY LOVES YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Blog

To see updates and such on the Twins please visit our new blog at TheRamirezTwins.blogspot.com . I am going to delete the posts on this blog as I dont want to take away from my son Elisha's story. Thank you and I love you all!

Guess Who's Expecting!?!?!?

Hello friends, family, and followers. We are HAPPY to announce that we are pregnant again. I have taken about 4 home pregnancy test all showing pregnant. I called this morning to make our first appointment, which will be tomorrow Tuesday April 20th at 3:30p.m.. I can't wait. I am SO excited. God is going to bless us, I just know it. I have had my family down for the last 2 weeks, my wonderful sister Lisa, my brother-in-law and my neice and nephew. We just spent this last weekend at Lido beach with my mom and dad, brother and his family, sister and her family and Enrique and Kaleb. It was wonderful. So my family was all around us we got our positive test!!! We conceived during Christs death and ressurection and will be born around His birthday.!. I know God is up to something here. By my cycle, our estimated due date would be December 26th. I am sure that will change once I get my first ultrasound, but for now that is where I am. I have no symptoms what-so-ever and I am not complaining about that at all. I know we have a blessing in-store...I have been thanking God in advance, and going to continue thanking Him! And thank you to everyone that has been following our journey and praying for us...God heard you, and I thank you all. I could not ask for better friends and family to have. I will post tomorrow after my doctors appointment. I can't wait, I love everyone at my doctors office dearly. They are so kind and supportive to us. It is hard to find a doctor that will support your decision to carry a terminal baby. I thank God for all of them. Well I will talk to you all tomorrow. :)

God Bless

Alexis Faith Ramirez

I know this is Elisha's blog, but I have Alexis heavy on my heart. Alexis' birthday is tomorrow March 28th. She would be two years old. I can remember every inch of her and how she felt in my arms...or should I say hands just like it was yesterday. I often look around the house and picture her running around and being silly. She was so beautiful, perfect, and tiny. God gave me two perfect little angels. I know alot of you do not really know about my daughter. We found out we were pregnant a month after Enrique proposed to me, September of 2006. We found out by amniocentesis she had Triploidy at out 20 week appointment. I will never forget that day, and that feeling I had. A normal person has 46 chromosomes...13 from mom and 13 from dad. Alexis had 69 chromosomes...which made her "incompatible with life". I chose to carry her until the Lord took her. I was not going to take her life. Six weeks later I started making phone calls and preparing myself so if she came early I would not have to worry about her funeral things and etc. On that Friday of that week, my husband came to my job and brought me flowers and chocolates because he knew I was having a hard time and I was sad. I looked at him and told him I needed to get away. He asked what I meant...and I told him I wanted to leave right NOW and go away..far away. He said I was crazy. Well 1 hour later I had left my job and he called into work and we were on our way to Stone Mountain Georgia. On our drive up (7 hours) I told him when we came back we would have Alexis. He told me again I was crazy. I had a fetal doppler so I would know the moment she passed. I never felt her move or kick my whole pregnancy. I checked her heartbeat once a morning and once at night. I had checked it Sunday morning before we left to go back home. Sunday night when we arrived back home she was gone. Monday morning I went to work...and waited for the doctors office to open at 9am, and went and told my boss that I was pretty sure my daughter had died...I went to the doctor. The nurse practitioner checked and found no heartbeat. I was then sent to labor and delivery at the hospital, where an ultrasound confirmed her death. I was induced like I was with Elisha...and two days later I delivered Alexis Faith Ramirez. She was 9 inches long and weighed 8.5 ounces. The doctors said she would have sooo many physical abnormalities...but she was absolutely perfect. Just very tiny. I just needed to talk about my daughter...and remember her, thank you all for listening. Alexis mommy and daddy love you baby girl, you are in our hearts forever and we will be together again one day. Happy Birthday sweet girl.

Hello

Hello friends and family. Sorry I have not been on here or updated in a while. I cannot believe how quickly time goes by. When I close my eyes, I can still feel him kicking inside. I just miss him. We have decided that in April we are going to stop protecting against getting pregnant. We are not going to per-say "try", but we are not going to do anything to prevent it. I am not going to stress about it, and I am going to leave it in God's hands for Him to do His will. I thank God He has given me the ability to deal with this as I have. I am thankful that I can go into public and not feel angry, or jealousy...and I can see another pregnant mommy and truly be happy for them. Only God could have gave me that ability. I am on a wonderful Anencephaly support group, all of which are mommies that have chosen to carry and not terminate. I wanted to share with you all the story of Faith Hope. She is a TRUE miracle. Any gift of life is a miracle, but this will touch your heart. She is a beautiful baby born with Anencephaly she is 18days old today! Here is her blog BabyFaithHope.Blogspot.com . Please visit it. Doctors say our children had NO chance of any life at all what-so-ever. I can tell you EVER life has a chance...only God has the last word. She cries, she moves, she giggles, she eats, and she can hear. All of which an Anencephalic baby is not supposed to do.
I have only two regrets with my son. One, that I should have asked for a stethascope to hear my sons heartbeat. He never took a breath, but his heart I know was strong. Two, I do not know if they did anything at birth to stimulate him to breath, I wonder if I would have done something if he would have taken a breath. Those things I will never get back. Not a day goes by I dont think of those things.

To all of you who are still keeping up with our story, and still praying for our family...thank you so much. It means so much. Thank you for letting our son take part in your life. God Bless.

This will touch your heart....A Message

This is a clip of Logan the Sky Angel, a 13 year old boy who called into a christian radio station. Please listen to it, it is only a couple minutes, but it will touch your heart forever, it did mine. It is a powerful message.

BUT GOD

I just felt I needed to write about my God. God is so good. It is something I cannot describe and that is beyond words. I wish there was a way to put into words how I feel about God. BUT GOD. God is so good. We tend to get angry at God when we do not get our way with things, or when you pray about something and God does not answer your prayer. But God ALWAYS answers prayers...it just may not be the way you wanted Him to. God does not "DO" bad things to us...BUT he does allow bad things to happen to us. He does not intend to hurt us. God is what got me through the tradgedies of the losses of my children. Some may argue that it is God's fault that he did this, He did however allow it to happen to me and my family. And you know what, because of this I am a new person, I am a better person. I can hold my head up high and say that I ... I gave my children every chance at life they possibly had. I showed my children and undying love that EVERY child should feel NO MATTER what there disabilities or how short their time here on Earth. God rewarded me. He rewarded me with strength, wisdom, and peace. He walked beside me...He NEVER left my side. Although I am greatly greatly saddened that my children are gone...I KNOW that He is taking good care of them, they are in no pain, they will not suffer, they will not feel heartache. God is God all the time. There is nothing to hard for God, there is nothing to Big for God, and there is nothing to small for God. God is a deliverer, He is a healer, He is a restorer...He is everything you need Him to be if you allow Him. Enrique and I decided to get into a personal relationship with God on a vacation in Georgia in August of 06, after he proposed to me. When we returned from vacation, we started attending church right away. One month after his proposal and when we returned from vacation, we found out we were expecting. We had already had two misscariages. We were excited, yet nervous because we had lost two already. Obviously we did not do things "right" by God. But we were trying. I was new in the Lord as I really did not attend church growing up, and when I did I could not really understand the teachings in the denomontation I was in. But when we started going, the church we joined really opened my eyes to God, and that was the best thing that ever happened. That was when we were pregnant with Alexis. Who most of you know we lost at 26 weeks from Triploidy. But I am telling you that, to tell you this. God's timing is PERFECT. We started going to church a month later find out we were expecting, 20 weeks later we found out Alexis was terminal, we decided to carry her until it was GODS time to take her. We found God at JUST the right time. God's timing is perfect. And we get angry sometimes because he does not always work on the schedule we want Him to. But if you can trust Him, truly Trust Him...He will give you the peace that you need. I know for a fact had it not been for us going to church and me finding God, I KNOW I would have never made it, and I would still be a mess to this day. Actually I probably would have terminated my pregnancies. My faith in God got me through. Not only did God help us, but he put people in our lives to help us. He gave us the most loving parents, wonderful family, and wonderful friends. I am not perfect in any means, I am a daily sinner...but you don't have to be perfect for God to love you. God already died for our sins, all He asks is that you ask for forgivness and ask Him into your heart. BUT GOD...those are such strong words. I say them loud and strong and all the time. If you are going through something right now, and you are reading this ... please seek God. Seek Him like you never have. Talk to Him...He wants to hear from you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He will never turn His back on you. I am crying writing this, He has just been so good to me...and most may not see it that way, but I do. God Bless you ALL. Thank you for reading this, it means alot
One more thing...it is easy for us to praise God when things are good, but please please don't forget to praise when things aren't good. Praise Him cause you don't know how it coulda turned out had He not been there. It is easy to say grace before dinner, but do we thank him when are bellies are full. Take a moment to thank God every day, it only takes a moment...and watch how your life will change.
Ephesians 2:4-6 (New International Version)
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus

I listen to these songs every day!

Elisha's Memorial Service

Elisha's memorial service went wonderful. We had so many loving family and friends there. In the sadness I still felt joy. So many people said such kind words to Enrique and I and it made our hearts so warm. There were so many beautiful flowers from so many, and to all that sent them, we thank you. Thank you to all of you...who where there physically and were there in spirit. Thank you to those who could not be there, and lit a candle or released a balloon for Elisha. We had two friends from our church sing at his service, they did an absolutely amazing job, we are so very blessed. We did a balloon release at the end of ther service and sent our love to Elisha. My house is now filled with flowers, sweet smelling memories of our son. Thank you again so much to all of you who have been there supporting us and praying with us.

Results from Duke

As I had wrote before, I asked Duke University if they would check Elisha's chromosomes to see if there was anything else wrong with him. Especially since he also had a 3-chamber heart and a cleft palate. She called me this afternoon, and I was so nervous I could feel my heart in my throat. She said the results came back with NO chromosomal problems. He is a normal 46XY boy. I know I should be so happy with these results, and I am..but I am still so worried. She explained that Enrique and I should be ok to have healthy children. That Alexis with Triploidy and Elisha with Anencephaly, heart defect, and cleft palate was just us getting hit by lightening twice. That was actually her words. She is a genetisist and I do trust her. But my GOD. How could this just happen to me twice with NO explanation. I took all my pills, I don't do drugs, I don't drink, and for the life of my I cannot carry a healthy child. I WON'T say I can't, because I can, I know and feel I can. It is just not my time, God has plans for me I KNOW it. I know He is working through me, He is using me and for that I am honored. But I must say it is so hard, words cannot explain. I thank God everyday for the peace He has given me, because I know without that I would be a mess. So many say I am so strong, but I cry when no one is around. I can't feel his kicks in my belly anymore, I feel empty...a big emptiness. I don't feel alone, just empty. I have so much wonderul support from my family and friends, alot of these friends I only know fom online, women I have never even met are pouring out to me, and praying and supporting my family. Having support like that it is hard not to be strong. When people ask me how I am doing, what can I say...I just say ok. Is that wrong.?. People don't really want to hear how I feel. It hurts! I know my children are perfect and whole in Heaven right now, they feel no sadness, no sickness...but I want them imperfect here with me. I just have to wait...I know I will see them again...and our time here is so so so short compared to eternity in heaven, but I miss them dearly. I am glad Elisha and Alexis have each other, I feel that Alexis was waiting for him when he got there. My next pregnancy I am going to be a WRECK...the whole time. God help me.
God, this is so difficult to understand all of this...but I trust You.

Duke University Research Study

During my prengnacy I researched alot on Anencephaly. In me research I found a website http://www.chg.duke.edu/diseases/anencephaly.html with information that Duke University is doing a research study on Anencephaly and other Neural Tube Defects. They are trying to gather more information on how these anomolies happen and form, and the causes. The more information we have on them, the better it will be to help women like myself prevent this from happenening to our babies. In the study Enrique and I had to donate blood a few months back, we have to do a phone interview with our family medicak history, and when Elisha was born we had to collect his cord blood and send it to Duke University. I asked the woman doing to study if she would check for any chromosomal problems with my son, because of our past pregnancies I would like to know if there was anything else wrong with him. She said that she would be happy to do a chromosomal check on Elisha at no charge. Then I thought it would not hurt to ask if she would do genetic testing on Enrique and I. She said IF there was something chromosomally out of order with Elisha she will to genectic testing on us both. Genetic testing is VERY expensive and it is something that insurance does not cover, so this is a blessing to us to have done.
With that being said, Elisha had a heart defect he had only 3 chambers. It was called a VSD Ventrical Septal Defect. Which CAN be reason to look for a chromosomal problem...but after he was born and the nurse had checked him, he also had a Cleft Palate. With the two together there is a higher chance that he did have some sort of chromosomal anomoly. I spoke with Duke on Thursday and she said she went ahead and delivered some of his cord blood to LabCorp to check for chromosomal anomolies. As much as I wish I knew if there was something wrong with me having children, I am scared to death for them to tell me I just can't have children. She said I will geg the results back from Elisha in less than 2 weeks, then if there is something they will procede with genetic testing on us. As soon as I find out the results on Elisha, I will post and let everyone know. As always, I ask to keep us in prayer for this news we are going to receive. Thank you to everyone for checking in on us.

Memorial Service

If you would like to send something for Elisha at his memorial service please have the deliveries made to the church on FRIDAY January 23th between 9am-5pm. Or if there is something you would like to give to him you are more than welcome to mail it to me. Just email me and I can give you an address to send it to. Froggylicious00@yahoo.com . I have received many questions about this so I thought I would jusst post it. Thank you all so much for your support and love.

Memorial Services for Elisha Enrique Ramirez

Memorial Services for Elisha Enrique Ramirez will be held at our church Without Walls Central located at 777 Carpenters Way Lakeland, Florida 33809 on Saturday January 24th at noon. Memorial services with be held in the chapel. We will have a balloon release for Elisha, we will have balloons for everyone to release, however if you would like to bring your own helium balloon or special note to Elisha to attach you are more than welcome. Please let me know by email if you are attending the service because I would like to have a keepsake for everyone to take home. My email address is froggylicious00@yahoo.com .
Thank you all again for your support.
Love,
Shelley and Enrique

Thank You

I wanted to say thank you to EVERYONE. Everyone who has prayed for us, all of our friends, all of our family, everyone who came to the hospital, everyone who sent flowers and gifts, everyone on Whattoexpect.com, everyone on AnencephalyBlessingsfromAbove.com, everyone at church, our photographer, all of our nurses, our doctor, everyone at our jobs and anyone who has taken part in loving us and our son and thank God for never leaving our side. And thank you everyone who has kept up with our blog and commented to us. I cannot tell you what this support has done for us in helping us to get through this most difficult time in our lives. We appreciate it moer than you can imagine. May God bless you all.

The day after Elisha's birth

I honestly did not sleep at all that night, I rocked Elisha and just stared at him. I started to get really bad pains in my stomach too and got some pain medicine throughout the night. I finally laid in the bed around 5:30am and the phone rang at 7:30am and it was Anita, my step-son Kalebs mom. He decided that he did want to see his brother Elisha. We left it up to him if he wanted to see him. We did not want to make Kaleb see his brother if he did not want to, nor did we not want to see him if he wanted to. So I got up right away and got Enrique up, I wanted to bathe him and dress him before he came. I bathed every lil piece of him, put his first and only pamper on him and dressed him. His little body had already started to harden a bit. Kalebs mom had explained to him that he had already passed and was with Jesus. He came in the room and started asking all the questions a 6 year old would and that was fine. I called Gabriel, a pastor for our church and asked him to come to do Elisha's dedication as I knew Elisha would start to change fast. He was actually on his way to work, but called and was able to come to the hospital right then to dedicate him. Enrique called everyone to come as quick as they could. His dedication was wonderful, Gabriel did a wonderful job and it meant alot to us to dedicate our son to the Lord. We had Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come to take pictures of Elisha with friends and family. The photographer had also came for the delivery of our son, which I thought would be awkward but it was not at all. Tony, our photographer was SUCH a wonderful man. He took all the pictures we wanted of our son. If you would like to know more about the organization please go to NILMDTS.org . We had people come in and out all day long to meet Elisha. Even our pastor, Pastor Cindy popped in which meant SO SO much to us. She spent time with us, fellowshiped with us, shared in our joy and our sadness, and ministered to us. She has angels also in heaven, and we can relate to each other. We were then alone again with our son. I knew I could not keep him forever. I told the nurse to go ahead and call the funeral home and tell them to come at 5pm to get Elisha. It was 4pm... I had an hour left with him. I wanted to keep all the clothes I had him in so I undressed him and took off his tiny pamper. I was in shock that his body was limber and warm, but that morning it had started to harden already...I was SO happy. I undressed him and took off his hat. I looked at very inch of his body again, I picked him up and held him I squeezed ever lil piece of him as I held him, his skin was so soft and tender. I squeezed his tiny tooshy. I was so amazed how warm and limber he was. His Daddy held him one more time, the wonderful nurse Jolynn came in with a warm blanky and told me the funeral director was there. We wrapped him up gave him 100 more kisses and said our final goodbyes. Goodbye is the hardest part, knowing that is the last time I see my son until we are reunited. i cried and cried and cried, Enrique held me tight. We quickly packed our stuff and I needed to leave right away. I couldnt be there any longer without my son. I cried the way home, I cried when I got home, I cried in the night, and I am crying right now. I miss him like like I can never explain. It is easy to be strong when you are surrounded my loving family and friends, but when you are alone is when the pain overcomes you. I am home but my body is empty and so his his crib. My baby my son is gone. It is all over, what I have waited 9 months for is over. My daughter and my son are in Heaven together and are PERFECT. It is hard to believe that I have went through this twice. Delivered two wonderful angels that I have not been able to take home with me. I thank God for the peace He has given me in my life. I have every right to be angry and mad, but I am not. My son, like Alexis has changed many lives including my own. His short time here on Earth made an impact on so many and I am so very proud of my son for that. I know that he knows the love Enrique and I had for him, there is no question about that. I have no regrets and know in my heart that I gave him every chance at life he could have. His time here was short now he is in Heaven living in a glorious eternity that I will one day be able to enjoy with him and my other children and family. He is blessed to be able to be there before us. He feels no pain where he is.

I woke up in the night crying hysterically, I don't know how, but I did...Enrique quickly woke up and started rubbing me and held my tightly and told me it was ok. I slowly stopped crying and went back to sleep. I dont know if I will do that every night. I cant stop thinking about him. Every second I am thinking about him. I know the pain will get easier, like it did with Alexis. My heart aches. I woke up this morning and my body feels like it got it with a Mac truck. I am in pain from head to toe. I had stepped on the scale before we left for the hospital, when I get on the scale now I am only ONE POUND lighter. But I did not eat for two days while I was in the hospital, I had a 5lb baby, a huge placenta, and when my water broke I know that was about 5 pounds...how that adds up to one pound I dunno. HA! I pray it is some kinda water that is gonna find its way out in the next few days. HEHE

More about Elisha's birth

There was alot I did not post last time like I wanted to but I was SO exhausted and just wanted to get on for a quick moment to let everyone know Elisha had arrived. So I will post all the details now. As I had mentioned the nurse came in and checked me I was somehow at almost 10cm dialated I honestly could not believe it, nobody could, I had to get ready real fast. I started praying imediately for peace over and over again. The baby nurse came in and met with me and talked to me while we were waiting for the doctor. She was asking me about his heart defect. I told her what I thought it was, and that he should still be able to live for a bit with that. However the heart defect that he had was not the one I thought he had, when she checked what it was, she started to explain to me that he would probably pass as soon as he comes out, that he would not be able to breath and if they put him on oxygen it would probably actually make him pass faster. So I then went from thinking I had minutes to hours with him to I will probably not have any time with him...and started praying even harder for peace, I was not prepared for this. They had called the doctor right away HOWEVER there was a woman a few rooms down who was also at 10cm who also had my doctor...she was screaming like I have NEVER heard in my life. It was worse than I have even ever seen in any movie. They had said that he would come to me first but since she was screaming so he went to her first. I was so worried because I knew the longer he was in my birth canal the harder it would be on his fragile little head. Since he did not have any skull on the top it would cause his face to be very blue/purple in color. The woman down the hall was screaming and screaming, but our nurses said that was all she was doing was screaming and not pushing so they were getting no where with her, they went and got my doctor and he came to me. He came in gloved up and we all prayed together one more time, and I started to push through my contractions my contrations were far apart 4-5 minutes so I it was while, but i pushed through about 5 contractions, I could not push for one more...I was so tired I knew my last one I had to get him out so I pushed like I never knew I cold and I heard them suction him up. I told them I wanted him right away...they could clean him, measure him, and weight him later, my time with him was short and I wanted him ever minute I could. When they laid him on my chest it felt like he weighed a ton, I couldnt believe it. Alexis was onlt 8.5 ounces, so I did not know what a baby felt like that big. He had one eye open, he looked right at me. He did not take a single breath but his heart was strong when he came out. He was kicking inside me until he came out and had to take his breath on his own, then he was lifeless. I gave my son life, he lived through me, in me. What an honor it was that God chose me to carry one of his angels. My mom, mother-in-law, and loving husband was there for the delivery. The doctor and baby nurse had to leave quickly to deliver the other mother. I looked at every inch of his body...I was so proud of my son for trying and fighting so hard, and I told him that over and over again. I had my mother-in-law go get everyone who wanted to see him, the room quickly filled up. With my family and friends the baby nurse came in, got her stethascope checked his heart and he was gone, she looked at me and shook her head. While everyone was in my room, he was pronounced an angel. I grabbed him as hard as I could and cried, Donna, the baby nurse hugged me. I did not mean for everyone to be in there for that, and I felt bad. I took a few deep breaths and tried to compose myself. I wanted to give everyone a chance to see Elisha. I had felt so much love in the room, I had very loving friends and family there, and the presence of God was heavy throughout the whole time. Peace was in my heart. Everyone got a chance to hold him and give him kisses. My mom and sister-in-law Tiffany were there with us late, they did molds of his hands and feet for me. We were alone with Elisha at about 12:30am. It was all over.

Elisha Enrique Ramirez Has Arrived

Hello family and friends. After our last post Enrique and I linked hands and prayed that I would speed up, I mean I prayed hard!!! From 8:45 this morning when they broke my water till my 5:30 check up I stayed at an almost 3cm. After our hard prayer I was checked at 9pm I told the nurse PLEASE tell me I am at least 5cm, she looked up and said "no honey you are at 9cm almost 10cm" I bout fell out of the bed. We started to pray again. Soon as the doctor arrived I started pushing. I pushed for about I pushed through about 5 contractions at least 3 pushes per contraction. I pushed as hard as I could for as long as I could. Elisha Enrique Ramirez arrived on this Earth with a strong heartbeat, however he did not take a single breath. He arrived at 9:47pm and and was prounouced an angel at 10:30pm when his heart stopped beating. We have held him and loved him so much. He has black hair all around his opening on top of his head. He is absolutely perfect. He has the most precious features. When he was born all I coulkd do was praise God over and over again. When the nurse told me I was at 10cm, I thought I was going to freak, but I was at total peace, even through delivery, and I have everyone to thank for that. He has 10 perfect fingers and toes, fingernails, eyelashes, and the cutest but you every saw! After he passed he did poo poo so I did get to wipe his lil precious hiney. Enrique has not left my side, as I am typing this now he is holding Elisha. Elisha was 4lbs 5.2oz and 17 inches long. I will write more in the morning, I am EXTREMELY exhausted and want to snuggle with our angel tonight. In the morning we will bath him, dress him and say goodbye when the funeral director comes, and that will truly be the hardest part. Please continue your prayers for continued strength. GOD BLESS you all for sticking behind us and supporting us. I will post again in the morning.

It's gonna be a loooooooong night.!.

Good evening everyone. Well as you know they broke my water this morning. Around 2pm I couldnt handle the contractions anymore so I got an epidural, it was great and I did not feel a thing, not even a prick. However it did not really work on my right side, but the Anesthesiologis came back in and shot two more viles down and I a real numb now. The doctor came in at 5:30pm and checked me...and guess what I am at a whopping THREE cm...yes 3 cm. He said he could stretch it to 4cm. When he came in I was hysterical about getting a c-section because the nurse had mentioned that if I was not dialtating after 18 hour from the time they broke my water then they would need to do one. I do not want one for so many reasons, mainly because I wont be able to spend as much time with Elisha and I will be sore and not be abe to give him a bath and stuff. I just got some anxiety medicine because I am just freaking out. And I know all this time he is in there without his water bubble it is not good for his fragile head. He is still moving around vibrantly, Praise God. PLEASE friends and family PLEASE pray I can start dialating and have my son vaginaly. I am so wore out so wore out I cant really sleep because of the anxiety, any noise I hear I jump, and when I close my eyes I keep having mini dreams but I am awake. I love my husband dearly he hasn't left my side...he is a wonderful husband and father, Enrique honey I love you. We said a prayer together a lil while ago just thanking God about the wonderful family and friends he has blessed us with. No one has been judgmental about our decisions, and everyone has stood behind us and supported us. We thank you all so very much. Thank you all for your prayers...and please keep praying we need it so, I am truly exhausted.

He just broke my water!!!!!!

Ok...I had an EXCELLENT nights sleep PRAISE GOD. I needed it so very bad. The nurse came in this morning while I was sleeping and took the Cervadil out and put the IV back in my hand of Pitocin, at 6am. Contractions started at around 8am, the Dr came in at 8:50 checked me I was at 1cm, he put on a glove with a point on the end, stuck it as farrrrrrrr as he could and there she blew. I definalety some Polyhydramnios brewing in there (excess amniotic fluid). I cried my eyes out, I am not ready for this. I cried like a little girl. Contractions are hurting much worse now and I have to start making the phone calls ok....change of plans...Enrique is making phone calls and I am passing out...they just gave me Stadol and I am seeing three screenssssss. Will check in later..love you all and thank you for checking in on us and keeping your prayers with us.

Today is not the day!

Sorry I have not posted earlier! They checked me at 5pm and I am still barley a fingetip dialted. I was having contractions every minute and a half for twenty seconds at a time from 10:30am until 5pm.!!! So They have inserted the Cervadil again to soften my cervix some more and then will start me all over again in the morning on Pitocin. I am sooooo exhausted, I am about to get an Ambien to help me sleep andI will be out hopefully till morning. Thank you so much to everyone who has commented to us and came in to see us, it truly means so much to have all the support from our friends and family. I will write sometime again in the morning after the start my drip and let you all know. Thank you all again so much and have a wonderful night,

Monday Afternoon

It is 3pm Monday afternoon. My anxiety has subsided since I have been getting visitors. Dr checked me at around around 12:30 and I was BARELY a fingetip dialted. HOWEVER, my contractions are every minute and a half and last for 25 seconds and every contraction the pain gets worse. Here are the scenarios: if I do not dialte to much more by 5pm then I am going to go off everything, eat, shower, sleep, and start Cervadil again and Pitocin again in the morning and start over...but if I am dialated pretty good at 5pm then he is going to go ahead and break my water and pray it starts moving faster. I am not on any pain meds yet because the nurse said that after I get Stadol a couple time it is less and less effective, and I should not get an epidural until I am at least 4cm dialted., I am exhausted right now and am going to TRY to rest but these contractions are relentless. I knew that this was not going to be easy, I just felt that this was going to take a long time. Honestly I suppose I am not ready for this to happen, the thought of it happening today actually scares me, I am not ready. She told me tonight I can get the Ambien again along with the anxiety medicine again. Well, I am going to lay down and see if I can fall asleep every minute and half...hehe. Goodnight for an afternoon nap, and thanks for checking in on us. Will give you an update after 5pm. : )

Monday Morming

It's Monday morning at 5am, I was awake and on the computer so the nurse came in and took out the Cervadil. she said in about 10 minutes I can take a shower. She checked my cervis and I hav not dialated at all, but she said it is softer. I have a feeling lil Elisha is going to come out on Tuesday...just a lil gut feeling I have. BUT maybe I am wrong, I'd like to think I am...lol. MY sleep was so-so, I was still having anxiety and couldnt go to sleep an hour after the Ambien so she gave me a shot in my IV to calm me down, and I went to sleep, I did wake up a few times, but I think it was because Enrique was not in the bed with me (he is in a recliner beside my bed) and I am used to being able to put m foot out or something and touch him. I am still feelig axiety this morning, but we will see as the day progresses. I dont think they are going to start my Pitocin until around 8:30. Going to take a shower now while it is available to me. : )

We have arrived at the hospital.

It is 9:00 pm on January 11th. We arrived at the hospital at 7pm. So far they have only drew my blood which was a nightmare. I am waiting for them to start me on Cervadil to soften my cervix, and then in the morning at 8:30am they will start me on Pitocin. I am having pretty bad anxiety. The doctor came in and did an ultrasound and checked Elisha's heartbeat. He is doing great and is still very active. Ok...its now 9:15 and the nurse just gave me the Cervadil. And she also check and I am not dialated at all...so it looks like it may be a long night. She did however give me an Ambien to help me sleep tonight. I was blessed with a Christian nurse that offered to say a prayer when we arrived at the hospital. Hopefully this feeling of anxiety will subside soon. I just got my bag packed an hour before I left for the hospital. This feels all so unreal to me right now, like I am in some kind of dream that I will wake up from. I am praying for peace. I am so nervous. My Ambien shouldnt take too long to kick in so I am going to take some pictures and video and I will report back in the morning. God Bless and thank you for checking in on us.

Getting Ready

Well, it's Thurday evening and we are only 3 days away from making our way to the hospital. My emotions seem to be on high. I am trying to prepare and am running out of time. I need to clean my house so it is clean when I return, I am trying to prepare my job for me to be out for the next five weeks, I need to pack my bag for the hospital...the list goes on. I had a couple blankies for Elisha I took downtown yesterday to get embroidered with Elishas name on it and I will pick those up tomorrow. I can't wait to see them. I had called this hospital to see if I could request the same nurse I had when I had Alexis, she was so wonderful to us, and guided us so great. However, she is no longer there and I was greatly saddened...and I PRAY hard we get a good nurse. Especially one that is understanding, and accepts our choice to carry our son. I am feeeling an enormous amount of stress and I feel helpless. There is nothing really anyone can help me with, it is all things I need to do. Elisha is moving more and more all the time, letting me know how much he loves me, and it makes me smile so. Well I should go no all this stuff isn't going to get done on it's own. Tomorrow is Friday and my last day of work, say a pray that I will be able to get all my work done. Thank you to all my friends and family, I love you all.

Our Last OB Appointment Before Delivery

Well, it's Tuesday January 6th and we went to our last OB doctor appointment before our delivery. We asked alot of questions and so did the doctor. I have to admit I am very scared. My doctor asked me if I wanted to have the baby monitored during delivery. I asked what he meant. He said normally we monitor the baby's vitals and if the heartrate declines or there is a problem, they do an emergency c-section. So I had to make a decision that if my son's life is failing that I would rather not know and choose to have a c-section. My doctor is very much against c-section because it is a major surgery and it would be too much for me to go through physically on top of my emotional pain. He suggested that Elisha not be monitored, and it was so very very difficult for me to agree with that, but I did. I honestly do not know what I would do if he is born still. I have waited this long to meet my son alive. All I can do is pray I get time with him. Then he did an internal exam and I am not dialted nor am I effaced...so basically I am closed up like Fort Knox! Then he checked to see Elisha's position and because of the shape of his head, he could not tell his positions. If Elisha was in a transverse position than the only option would be a c-section, then I was really terrified because that was his position for most of the ultrasounds. He sent me to the hospital to get an ultrasound to check his position. Thank GOD he is head down. I loved seeing him on the ultrasound one more time, he was kicking and moving away. It was wonderful. So the current status is go to the hospital Sunday night between 6pm and 7pm where they will start me on Cervadil to soften my cervix so it will dialate easier. Them Monday morning they will start me on Pitocin to induce my labor. I pray it is quick with minimal pain, but I know that is a shot in the dark. Right now Elisha is kicking me under my ribs, I jut cant beleive in less than a week I will be holding him in my arms. The ultrasound technician said he weighs approx 5lbs3oz. Also my blood pressure has been climbing the last few visits. It normally runs around the low one teens over 60-70's and today it was 135/88...he said it was dangerous if it goes up over 140/90. So we will wait to see what emotions tomorrow brings.

Poem

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today. Asked what makes a mother and I know I heard Him say, A mother has a baby. This we know is true. But God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you? Yes, you can. He replied with confidence in His voice. I give many women babies. When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day. And some I send to fill your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this, God, I want my baby here. I took a breath and cleared my throat and then I cried a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say," "I went to earth to learn a lesson of life and love and fear. My Mommy loved me, oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free." I miss my Mommy, oh so much, but I visit her each day. And when she goes to sleep at night, on her pillow is where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, 'Mommy, don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I am here.' " So you see, my dear sweet one, your baby is okay. Your baby is here in My Home and this is where he'll stay. He'll wait for you with Me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come Home, he'll be waiting at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother... It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, Until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day, And know you're the best one.

Author Unknown

6 days left....

Today is Monday January 5, 2009 and I am 37 weeks 1 day pregnant. We have 6 days left until we make our way to the hospital to deliver our son Elisha. It has been a VERY long journey. As the days near, it is becoming more difficult. My son is inside of me moving and punching and kicking, and I love every minute of it. I asked the doctor why it is that he can be SO very active inside of me, yet when he is born he is going to be unconsious? He explained that he is living off of me, his mother, through the umbilical cord, that is how he breaths and functions...once that cord is cut, he must rely on his brain to tell his body to breath and eat and suck, etc... Right now I am giving my son life, he is living through me. In six short days, he will be removed from my body and on his own, and I am terrified. I still pray everyday for a miracle of complete healing, I pray everyday for God's will to be done in my life and his. I pray for as much time as I can borrow of my sons life to have him, hold him, and tell him everything that I need to tell him. I want to bath him, and try to feed him at least once. I pray he poo poo's once so I can wipe his dirty bum and change his pamper. I pray that God gives me the strength and peace I need to make it through this. I did not spend my time with my son angry with God wondering WHY and HOW could this happen to me...AGAIN at that. I know and accept that it is not for me to understand...and if God choses, he will let me know why..and if not here on Earth, when I pass this life and enter glorious Eternity, I will have a chance to ask Him why did this happen. But for now, I need to spend what time I have left not angry, but cherishing every moment I have with my son, Elisha. Because in one week, I will look back and I want to know in my heart that my son knew that he was loved and he did not hear his mommy weaping while he was in her tummy. His time here will be short, and I need to give him the very best life he can have, with no regrets. I am honestly very ready for this pregnancy to be over with, it has been physically hard on me, but I am NOT ready to let go of my son. I know that when he gets to Heaven his big sister Alexis with meet him there, and take her around...and when he gets there he will be perfect and whole. Elisha baby mommy loves you.

Our Son Elisha Enrique Ramirez

On August 20th, 2008 we were excitedly on our way to our 17 week level II ultrasound. This is the ultrasound we would find out the sex of our lil one and check-up to make sure everything was a-ok. I lay on the ultrasound bed as she puts the wand on my belly and lands right on lil Elishas "boy parts"...I turned back and looked at Enrique and smiled. He asked me if I was upset, I told him "No honey, as long as he is healthy". She went on to the feet and started doing all the measurments and telling us everything she was taking pictures of, until she got to the head, and then all the explanations halted. She told us that she could not get a good measurement of the head, she turned me on my side and said she would be back in a minute to see if he would move. She left the room, and we KNEW something wasn't right. I had seen also when she went over the heart that I only had saw 3 chambers, when I knew there should have been 4, but I could be wrong. When she came in, the doctor followed. I felt my heart drop to my feet, I knew whatever it was, was not good. The doctor sat down at the ultrasound machine and started to explain that our son is measuring almost two weeks behind in size...he paused for what seemed like forever looked at me and said "what I have to tell you is not good news, you baby, like your last is "Incompatible with Life"" Honest to goodness I almost punched this nice man right in his face. I lost it, silently, but I lost it. I just lost my daugther a year ago, and now this man is telling me my son is going to die too.!. He was very nice, and showed us on the screen how our little son has no skull above his eyes, and how there was brain matter just floating around on the top of his head. He said our son has Anencephaly. I never knew there could be such a thing, a human with an open head and little to no brain!!! But then again I never heard of Triploidy, the lethal chromosomal anomoly that took our daughter. I asked if there could be any harm to me or my son to keep the pregnancy, he said there was no harm. We are keeping our son we created with LOVE with us for as long as the GOOD LORD will allow us.

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